I'll first start with, I hope everyone enjoyed Easter holiday whether it be because of a three day weekend or a great church service. I enjoyed some great food with some family.
What I mainly want to share in this post is that not all things in life change because you're terminally ill. It is really hard on a relationship. It can destroy them. Many say it can bring you closer together. I think that is about as true as someone saying having a baby will make their relationship better. I believe a true and stable foundation must be there to begin with.
I've been with my husband 20 years, married 10. We know each other as well as (in some cases better than) we know ourselves. Over the years we've been through some extremely tough times. We've had disagreements and knock-down drag-out arguments while dealing with them. If not, something would be wrong. If you've been in a relationship over 2 years and can say, "We've never had a single argument," You might want to reevaluate the health of your relationship. Keep in mind, I'm talking about an argument, a heated debate, not physical or emotional abuse. but we have always came out the other side together. That's the important part. We walk out hand in hand together.
The thing about dealing with a terminal illness with your partner is knowing that only one will be walking out of the other side. For us, that is never forgotten. It tends to be all the more distressing. One thing I consider an important part of our longevity is we're honest with each other. As we all know, sometimes the truth hurts. It's a necessary hurt and reminder this needs to be dealt with. With all the reminders of my death we have started tip-toeing around each other. He doesn't want to have to live on with a memory of saying something in the moment that hurts me. I don't want to put any undo pressure on him when I know he's trying and struggling.
This leads to a build up of fear, frustration, anxiety and anger. That's what happened to us yesterday. It all becomes so much and then comes the explosion, and everything you've been trying to avoid comes out ten fold. We'll survive it, but it could have been avoided. at least the intensity of it.
My words of wisdom as the dying person in a relationship is don't change your core relationship style. You're both still the same people no matter what, and you both need permission from each other and yourself to be yourselves. No matter what, life will go on. It's up to you and your partner whether it goes as you want.
That's all for now. I will be adding more to the site. It may not be as soon as I would like, but I will make it happen.
Until next time, take care,
April
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I have been thinking about this post a lot the last few days. I remember several years ago, a friend of mine's wife had cancer, but she made him continue to go to work and meet all those obligations, even though his employer very generously told him not to worry about work during that time. He would do as his wife wanted, and go to work, but the whole time he was very distracted, worrying about her. I remember thinking at the time that if I were in that situation, and it were my husband who had cancer, I wouldn't leave his side for a minute.
ReplyDeleteBut maybe this is one of those times where theory doesn't match reality. I can see how, if you are faced with a huge life disruptor, such as a terminal illness, you would crave normalcy in other areas of your life. But how does a person "act normal" and also express what they would "normally" express in the way of consideration and latitude in such a situation with anyone else who wasn't their spouse?
Sometimes, if my husband gets on my nerves (LOL), I imagine how devastated I would be if he were killed in a car wreck tomorrow, and that helps me change my attitude, to be more patient and kind and loving today. So if I found out tomorrow that he had a terminal illness, I can see me pretty much acting the same way I do today...just maybe a little more solicitous, which would probably drive him crazy, honestly. :)
But I think you and Tony both are very sweet to each other, blow up or not. I absolutely loved the honesty in this post. Thank you so much for sharing.
Love you!
You brought up some good points. I think it is different for every relationship because not all people are the same. I'm glad Tony can be here, but that doesn't mean your friend is wrong in wanting her husband to continue work as usual. There is no right or wrong way a couple decides to handle situations if it's working for them.
ReplyDeleteAll relationships take work, great health or not. There are new challenges that comes with one person dying. That's when you have to work a little harder, or just be more aware of your own, and your patners feelings. Both people need to know they can still be themselves and express themselves honestly.
It's one thing to tip-toe around when walking on unsteady ground, but tip-toeing around a relationship out of fear or grief can create unsteady ground, making the journey more difficult.