I decided to go with a post about Benign Fasciculation Syndrome (BFS) and what I've recently learned about it. So here we go... I have a feeling that most people with ALS have dealt with someone wanting opinions or advice about their muscles twitching. I see BFS come up in searches for about anything ALS related, and I have received a couple of messages from people concerned about their muscle twitches. I’ve seen a look of fear wash over peoples’ faces after mentioning muscle twitches as a symptom of my ALS. I tell them muscle twitches are very common and it’s extremely rare for it to result in an ALS diagnosis. Most let it go there even though I have a feeling they run home and consult Dr. Google.
I became pretty frustrated not too long ago with a lady at Abby’s behavior class. I was trying to pay attention to what the instructor was doing. This lady walked over to me to ask what my condition was, being complete strangers made that the first rude question, but I politely told her. I am waiting to meet that person who truly already knows what it is. She goes on to ask how I was diagnosed and what my symptoms were. I had her at muscle twitches. She would not let up telling me about her muscles and asking my opinion and advice. She kept trying to make her muscle twitches fit my death sentence as she had been trotting around with two dogs on a leash in the next class separated by a small fence. So she’s standing there going on about her fears of having ALS, looking like the picture of health and I’m sitting there with something obviously wrong. I finally told her I needed to pay attention to what my dog was learning. I think I said it nicely. Once home I realized I was in my transfer chair borrowed from the ALS association that has an ALS sticker on a bottom bar of the chair. I think she knew I had ALS before ever approaching me. It did me no good but, I let it ruin my mood that evening.
I’ve since tried to be careful when using the words “muscle twitches.” I’ve felt twitches for years off and on, and if I’m going to be honest as I said I would be, I would have likely gone home and looked it up with a little fear too after meeting and hearing that from someone with ALS. I can say with certainty I wouldn’t keep on questioning the dying person and expressing my fears that I may have ALS too. That is very rude and if anybody is reading this and experiencing muscle twitches please, don’t put a person diagnosed with ALS through that.
If you have concerns, only a doctor can give you the answers. If your PCP sees reason for concern they will refer you to the right specialist. If not, you know your own body and can insist on seeing a specialist and go through all of the expensive testing. It’s only worth all that if you’ll believe the doctors and the test results if you’re told you’re fine. I’m not meaning to insinuate all people want something to be wrong. It’s when you become obsessed and don’t believe what highly trained professionals are telling you that you most likely are dealing with a form of anxiety that is causing you to experience this fear.
After doing some looking up of my own lately I have learned there are people that have normal twitches who have let anxiety set in, but I also learned that Benign fasciculation syndrome is very real and can come with some real side effects, in some cases forcing lifestyle changes. I didn’t know this until recently, and it gave me a new perspective on people dealing with this real condition and how it can be pretty scary until it’s definitively diagnosed. The path to diagnosis is very similar to ALS. It’s made by excluding all other possible causes. If you are diagnosed with BFS, peace of mind should come with learning it’s not going to kill you but, I do see how it can be a frustrating experience when nobody is taking you serious. The word benign gives the impression everything is fine, and syndrome doesn't help either.
While it’s great news to learn you’ll live, it’s not comforting to know you’ll likely have cramping and fatigue which doesn’t feel benign. I imagine it’s not comforting going through that and only hearing how lucky you are. The fact remains it is great news you don’t have ALS. It’s time to stop thinking about ALS and focus on ways to deal with and reduce the effects BFS has on you. Hopefully you can tune out the people in your life who make negative comments about your condition not being serious and focus on making the best of your situation and feel the relief of it not being a terminal condition instead of staying stuck in the anger of feeling misunderstood. ALS and BSF have been connected in a negative way between the feelings on both ends. I have certainly had my moments of thinking you should just shut up already because you will continue to walk, talk, eat, breath, live. We won’t.
This post is my way of saying to BFS sufferers that I understand a little more of where you’re frustration is coming from and the fear you experience. My wish is that you discuss your concerns about it with your doctor, not someone who is dealing with the terminal illness you fear. I don't mind at all a question asked to me if it's respected when I answer but, I can’t diagnose you or calm your fears. If you can’t afford to go to a doctor, please realize that if you do have ALS with that much muscle twitching, it will be recognized, and there is help available. It can and will reveal its ugly head in several ways most commonly by clinical weakness which must not be confused with perceived weakness.
I don’t usually use Wikipedia as a reference but I believe it is described well and correct here about the difference between true and perceived weakness.
The difference: True weakness vs. perceived weakness
• True weakness (or neuromuscular) describes a condition where the force exerted by the muscles is less than would be expected, for example muscular dystrophy.
• Perceived weakness (or non-neuromuscular) describes a condition where a person feels more effort than normal is required to exert a given amount of force but actual muscle strength is normal, for example chronic fatigue syndrome.
My example of perceived weakness: A flight of stairs you commonly take seems more difficult and is making you more tire than usual. That is perceived weakness.
My example of true weakness: You start tripping on a flight of stairs you commonly take, you think you're lifting your foot high enough to clear the next step but you don't. That is true clinical weakness.
This is a video I came across. I think it describes true BFS well. I have no opinion about the the spices or nutritional supplements he speaks of.
I hopes this clears up some miconceptions about BFS.
Until next time, take care,
April
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Showing posts with label ALS awareness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label ALS awareness. Show all posts
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Monday, April 29, 2013
Two Days... Two Sons... Two Good-byes
Hello all. I just want to write a quick post to tell you the next two days are filled with good-byes. Tyler will be heading out in the morning, then Steven will be heading out Wednesday. Between dealing with those and a couple of other things I'm working out, I may not have time to blog, but I will if at all possible. I'm not sure about what yet, but I have some ideas floating in this head of mine. Also, thank you for the many birthday wishes I received.
There is something else I want to mention. A few people have asked about how it's going with the van modification. I didn't want to make a whole post on it, but it turns out the van just isn't going to work for us. Even though I have a relatively short chair the floor will have to be dropped 10 inches along with a couple other modifications. Tony took the van to one place and called another and they both won't do the needed modifications on a van older than 2009.
Of course Tasha wasn't considering any of this when she purchased it, and it takes nothing away from the generosity of handing the keys over out of love. The van is still in great driving condition and will be used by her family. It's not a loss and we still thank you, Tasha and Billy, for the generosity.
That does put us back into the search, or most importantly the house selling so we can purchase one. It's easy to get impatient but we do expect to be selling soon.
This was just a quick update I wanted to share. I will have a new ALS post soon.
Until then, take care,
April
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There is something else I want to mention. A few people have asked about how it's going with the van modification. I didn't want to make a whole post on it, but it turns out the van just isn't going to work for us. Even though I have a relatively short chair the floor will have to be dropped 10 inches along with a couple other modifications. Tony took the van to one place and called another and they both won't do the needed modifications on a van older than 2009.
Of course Tasha wasn't considering any of this when she purchased it, and it takes nothing away from the generosity of handing the keys over out of love. The van is still in great driving condition and will be used by her family. It's not a loss and we still thank you, Tasha and Billy, for the generosity.
That does put us back into the search, or most importantly the house selling so we can purchase one. It's easy to get impatient but we do expect to be selling soon.
This was just a quick update I wanted to share. I will have a new ALS post soon.
Until then, take care,
April
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Thursday, April 25, 2013
Permobil C300 Corpus 3G Power Wheelchair
There are many factors that go into choosing the right Power wheelchair for you. I’m going to focus on how I chose mine, a Permobil C300 Corpus 3G. Soon before I actually got the ball rolling with the process of insurance approval and all the hoops you have to jump (or fall) through, I did my research. It wasn't easy; there are a lot more options than I expected. After being overwhelmed with information, I searched for the most common power wheelchairs used by pALS. I don’t remember where I read it but it was Pride and Permobil. I ended up choosing to go with Permobil. Some deciding factors in choosing Permobil was that it has the highest seat elevation at eight inches, and most important is that Permobil has Corpus 3G seating which offers great back support that can be customized to your specific needs. That part was a no-brainer with my back issues. Also, I know a lady with a Permobil. It looked comfortable, she said she practically lived in it and loved it. She and her husband showed me and Tony how she drives up the ramp and into her van using the EZ Lock system which I was interested in. It’s much easier and less time consuming than the 4 point locking system I had read about. She just rolled up the ramp and turned into where the passenger seat would be and a docking pin mounted under the chair locks into a docking base mounted to the floor. You hear it lock in and you’re finished. Here is a link to learn about it. http://www.ezlock.net/
So now I had the brand narrowed down but it didn’t stop there. The added features seemed endless, and did I want front, mid or rear wheel drive? I wanted a chair with a tight turning radius because I knew we would be moving to a much smaller place when we sold our house. I also wanted a chair that is good for outdoors so I could go for walks with Tony and go to the dog park.
These factors helped narrow it down to their M300 or their C300. Both models have the Corpus 3G seating system.
The M300 is a mid wheel drive with the best turning radius of only 20”. That seemed great considering the majority of the chair use would be at home, especially as I progressed, and would be navigating tight spaces.
The C300 is a front wheel drive and considered better for outdoors. That alone made me want it because I so wanted to feel secure driving outside. I had to force myself to keep thinking ahead. There was a chance outdoors wouldn’t be as important by the time the chair arrived. That’s how cruel ALS is.
Before I get into other features, I’ll tell you what brought me to the final decision between these two models. After much searching and reading it came down to two factors. First I learned there was only a slight difference in the turning radius between them. They’re both great chairs but I learned with the M300 people were dealing with the large 8” front casters coming into contact with the mid wheel unless you have the leg rests as far in as possible. I didn’t want to have to make any adjustment to move the chair in any way so finally the choice was made. The Permobil C300 Corpus 3G would be my chair.
Now it was time to focus on the features I would need. I think the most important feature is the seat elevation. While you can still lift your arms It is great to be able to lift up and reach things you need. It’s extremely important for any caregiver. It will save their back by being able to keep good form while caring for you. They can put you at the right level for them to accommodate their height enabling them to keep good form. It also makes transfers much easier because you can raise or lower the chair height to whatever you’re transferring to, be it from a reclining position in chair transferring onto a bed, or from a sitting position onto any height toilet. If Medicare is the only insurance you have then you need to be prepared that it won’t be a covered feature. Most local dealers offer to add this feature costing between $1,500 and $2,000. Most will also offer a payment plan. I know that is a lot of money to many people especially with all the other extra expenses adding up, but If at all possible to get this, you and anyone who cares for you will be thankful. You can go to alsguardianangels.com and fill out a grant request. They may be able to fully or partially pay for it depending on available funds.
Another great feature is the attendant control. It is mounted on the back of the chair and your caregiver can drive for you. This is a great feature early and especially later in progression. It is an electric control mounted on the back of your chair that can be kept down and out of sight when not needed. It gives your caregiver full ability to drive for you. You’ll want this to be someone you trust and they should practice a little without you in the chair to get used to operating it.
I also highly recommend the ROHO seat cushion. I can get lost in the specifics but mine is a four chamber air filled system that is extremely comfortable and adjustable. It greatly reduces the chances of pressure sores, I don’t want to start talking over my head so I’ll just say definitely check into it and I personally recommend it over a gel cushion. Learn about ROHO wheelchair seat cushions at- therohogroup.com/products
I also have an easy adjustable and removable tray. It’s great for tablets and laptops and also for eating. I wouldn't say it’s a must because you can roll under tables and bedside trays, and many people get creative and make their own custom tray. You can adjust the one I have to be flat or tilted. It’s a very nice feature.
The last I can think of is a simple cup holder. Something I didn't think much of originally but if you stay in your chair a lot and are still able to drink, you most likely keep a drink with you to sip on. It’s also great for keeping up with your mobile phone if you can still use one. So this very simple feature is actually pretty important.
When you get your chair it comes with a tool bag full of what you’ll need to make any adjustments like the angle of your armrest or headrest height. It’s a nice thing to have on hand.
Another nice little gesture from Permobil is when you get your chair, a postage paid mailing card will come with it, you write the chair’s serial number on it, put it in the mail and they’ll send you a $50.00 Best Buy gift card.
I’m in no way trying to sell you on the Permobil brand or the model I chose. I’m just sharing my story of how I ended up with the chair I have. I’m very happy with it. The majority of its use has been outside. I did drive it around downstairs quite a bit in the beginning to help Abby get used to walking by it inside. Running over her is a huge fear of mine. One of the instructors at her behavior class pointed out to me she is at eye level with the wheels and watches them closely. I still use the command “watch wheels” if I can’t see her or we start moving to be safe as possible.
This was my Power wheelchair experience. The last thing I want to stress is to not put it off. ALS is very sneaky and it can be a lengthy process from the first appointment to receiving the chair. It can take several months, and that’s if everything goes smoothly. I hope this is helpful to someone.
April
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So now I had the brand narrowed down but it didn’t stop there. The added features seemed endless, and did I want front, mid or rear wheel drive? I wanted a chair with a tight turning radius because I knew we would be moving to a much smaller place when we sold our house. I also wanted a chair that is good for outdoors so I could go for walks with Tony and go to the dog park.
These factors helped narrow it down to their M300 or their C300. Both models have the Corpus 3G seating system.
The M300 is a mid wheel drive with the best turning radius of only 20”. That seemed great considering the majority of the chair use would be at home, especially as I progressed, and would be navigating tight spaces.
The C300 is a front wheel drive and considered better for outdoors. That alone made me want it because I so wanted to feel secure driving outside. I had to force myself to keep thinking ahead. There was a chance outdoors wouldn’t be as important by the time the chair arrived. That’s how cruel ALS is.
Before I get into other features, I’ll tell you what brought me to the final decision between these two models. After much searching and reading it came down to two factors. First I learned there was only a slight difference in the turning radius between them. They’re both great chairs but I learned with the M300 people were dealing with the large 8” front casters coming into contact with the mid wheel unless you have the leg rests as far in as possible. I didn’t want to have to make any adjustment to move the chair in any way so finally the choice was made. The Permobil C300 Corpus 3G would be my chair.
Now it was time to focus on the features I would need. I think the most important feature is the seat elevation. While you can still lift your arms It is great to be able to lift up and reach things you need. It’s extremely important for any caregiver. It will save their back by being able to keep good form while caring for you. They can put you at the right level for them to accommodate their height enabling them to keep good form. It also makes transfers much easier because you can raise or lower the chair height to whatever you’re transferring to, be it from a reclining position in chair transferring onto a bed, or from a sitting position onto any height toilet. If Medicare is the only insurance you have then you need to be prepared that it won’t be a covered feature. Most local dealers offer to add this feature costing between $1,500 and $2,000. Most will also offer a payment plan. I know that is a lot of money to many people especially with all the other extra expenses adding up, but If at all possible to get this, you and anyone who cares for you will be thankful. You can go to alsguardianangels.com and fill out a grant request. They may be able to fully or partially pay for it depending on available funds.
Another great feature is the attendant control. It is mounted on the back of the chair and your caregiver can drive for you. This is a great feature early and especially later in progression. It is an electric control mounted on the back of your chair that can be kept down and out of sight when not needed. It gives your caregiver full ability to drive for you. You’ll want this to be someone you trust and they should practice a little without you in the chair to get used to operating it.
I also highly recommend the ROHO seat cushion. I can get lost in the specifics but mine is a four chamber air filled system that is extremely comfortable and adjustable. It greatly reduces the chances of pressure sores, I don’t want to start talking over my head so I’ll just say definitely check into it and I personally recommend it over a gel cushion. Learn about ROHO wheelchair seat cushions at- therohogroup.com/products
I also have an easy adjustable and removable tray. It’s great for tablets and laptops and also for eating. I wouldn't say it’s a must because you can roll under tables and bedside trays, and many people get creative and make their own custom tray. You can adjust the one I have to be flat or tilted. It’s a very nice feature.
The last I can think of is a simple cup holder. Something I didn't think much of originally but if you stay in your chair a lot and are still able to drink, you most likely keep a drink with you to sip on. It’s also great for keeping up with your mobile phone if you can still use one. So this very simple feature is actually pretty important.
When you get your chair it comes with a tool bag full of what you’ll need to make any adjustments like the angle of your armrest or headrest height. It’s a nice thing to have on hand.
Another nice little gesture from Permobil is when you get your chair, a postage paid mailing card will come with it, you write the chair’s serial number on it, put it in the mail and they’ll send you a $50.00 Best Buy gift card.
I’m in no way trying to sell you on the Permobil brand or the model I chose. I’m just sharing my story of how I ended up with the chair I have. I’m very happy with it. The majority of its use has been outside. I did drive it around downstairs quite a bit in the beginning to help Abby get used to walking by it inside. Running over her is a huge fear of mine. One of the instructors at her behavior class pointed out to me she is at eye level with the wheels and watches them closely. I still use the command “watch wheels” if I can’t see her or we start moving to be safe as possible.
This was my Power wheelchair experience. The last thing I want to stress is to not put it off. ALS is very sneaky and it can be a lengthy process from the first appointment to receiving the chair. It can take several months, and that’s if everything goes smoothly. I hope this is helpful to someone.
April
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Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Let’s Talk About Sex... with ALS
Where to start… First of all this isn’t just about the act of sex. It’s about intimacy in a relationship when something like ALS enters unwelcomed. I can see how one might think the sex aspect only applies to young or new relationships. That’s not the case. Yes our sexual activity has changed over the years. We haven’t been doing what we did, or as often as the first several years together for a while now; however we have never let the flame go out. We’ve always had fun and made fun. We’ve been able to laugh together about our aging bodies, and still love them.
I’m not saying I wasn’t dreading getting older, but I never wanted the lights turned off before undressing. I never felt ashamed of my aging face and body with Tony and vise versa. Now I will admit to giving in to the public standard of wanting to look 22 forever. I used prescription creams, had facials promising young glowing skin that will peel away years. I kept my body up with yoga to keep a toned attractive body. The time I most let my body go was in my 20s and even into my 30s with a little extra weight. I had much more important things to contend with than my looks, but even a little fat looks OK when you’re young. I really started getting it all together in my thirties with eating healthy and working out.
Our plan was when I turned 40 we were going to have some fun, really live and enjoy life. Our youngest turned 18 when I was still 36.Our kids would be young adults, but self sufficient for the most part. It would finally be time for us to do our thing after our lives revolved around them for so many years. It was exciting to look forward to.
Starting at about 38 we were preparing for our time ahead when I hit the big 40. I even started checking into maybe a dab of Botox here and a tad of filler there. I hadn’t fully made up my mind, but I was checking reputations of all the great deals I’d seen advertised everywhere. I wouldn’t choose just anyone. We’ve all heard the horror stories and seen the people who can’t smile or give you any indication of how they feel because their face is frozen. I’ll take a line on my forehead over that any day. I wanted and more importantly needed my facial expressions. If I was going to do this, it had to be with someone who knew what they were doing and understood the meaning of, just a little. The only other thing I was considering if money allowed was having my breasts lifted and reduced. Actually this was almost a medical necessity, large breasts are heavy and all the years of toting them around took its toll, and the bra indentions on my top shoulders weren’t sexy or comfortable. It would be so freeing to have smaller breasts that stay up where they belong on their own. We were thinking, talking and excited about the new adventures, the fun we were going to have. There was a bump in the road a few months before with my back injury. I was working hard to get and keep it under control and at the time I fully expected it would happen. That’s not what made our plans come to a complete halt forever.
It was a month, almost to the day before my 40th birthday that completely ended all of our plans, all of them, not just the fun life for us. We had plans for grandchildren adventures too. Everything ended or changed March 28, 2012, the day I learned I have ALS. Here I am practically trapped in my bedroom typing this with only days before I turn 41. This was not part of the plan!
Tony never cared whether I had any injections or breast augmentation. He has always loved me and been attracted to me just as I am, and faithful too, beat that! This means so much to me now that my body has changed so drastically. What’s new is that I have changed. For the first time, I don’t like him seeing me naked. No matter how much he tells me I look just as beautiful to him. I never thought I would feel this way with him. There were times when I put on a few pounds and didn’t feel the best about my body, but I still felt sexy with him. I could still walk sexy and talk sexy.
I think I’ve said in another post, ALS changes absolutely everything. I can’t disguise or direct attention away from anything about my body now. I can’t suck anything in or talk, walk, sit or lay my body in any position that resembles sexy, and I certainly can’t talk sexy. I just feel ugly from head to toe now. Our long burning flame is just a light breath away from going out. We’ve been talking and are determined to not let that happen. It’s not easy though.
My looks and confidence aside, there are other obstacles. I have much less control over movement. I am much less of an active participant because of weakness so it is awkward for us both. It’s also not sexy to need to stop and put on a ventilator mask, even though I’m lucky to have one of the quietest vents, the sound of mechanical ventilation is a mood killer. It is for us. So it has become something we avoid.
There is another huge factor that shouldn’t be left out. Tony puts so much energy into taking care of my needs and worrying about my safety that it’s easy to stay in that mindset. It’s not easy being my caregiver then switching to my lover. He’s scared and grieving just like me. Neither one of us have sex on the mind very often. I think I’ve given away enough personal details, I’ll just leave it with I can’t do about 80% of what I used to do, We’re both grieving and constantly preparing for the next new hit from ALS. That’s not a recipe for an evening of making love.
I have peace in knowing Tony is here because he loves me no matter what. We did go a long time not talking about this. A big mistake, difficult or easy topic, communication is a must. Talking has eased both of our minds. We have both shared our feelings about this change while being honest. We went from avoiding the topic to thinking of ways to be intimate without fear. Remember, intimacy doesn’t mean a sex act must be involved.
I spend a little time running my fingers through his hair while he drifts off to sleep. A few minutes here and there of me leaning on him while sitting and letting him hold me securely in his arms. These things are powerful. It renews our desire to fight this fight together, it reminds us both of the bond we share that can so easily get lost in the mess that is ALS, It also reminds and allows us to express the love we share and sometimes shed heart healing tears together. There will come a day when I can no longer run my fingers through his hair. We’ll have to find another way without losing ourselves. Like everything else in a relationship, it will take effort and communication from both of us.
We’ve been through a lot together and kept our love intact. Our love will make it through ALS too. It won’t play out like a fairytale but life is not a fairytale.
Until next time, take care,
April[subscribe2]
I’m not saying I wasn’t dreading getting older, but I never wanted the lights turned off before undressing. I never felt ashamed of my aging face and body with Tony and vise versa. Now I will admit to giving in to the public standard of wanting to look 22 forever. I used prescription creams, had facials promising young glowing skin that will peel away years. I kept my body up with yoga to keep a toned attractive body. The time I most let my body go was in my 20s and even into my 30s with a little extra weight. I had much more important things to contend with than my looks, but even a little fat looks OK when you’re young. I really started getting it all together in my thirties with eating healthy and working out.
Our plan was when I turned 40 we were going to have some fun, really live and enjoy life. Our youngest turned 18 when I was still 36.Our kids would be young adults, but self sufficient for the most part. It would finally be time for us to do our thing after our lives revolved around them for so many years. It was exciting to look forward to.
Starting at about 38 we were preparing for our time ahead when I hit the big 40. I even started checking into maybe a dab of Botox here and a tad of filler there. I hadn’t fully made up my mind, but I was checking reputations of all the great deals I’d seen advertised everywhere. I wouldn’t choose just anyone. We’ve all heard the horror stories and seen the people who can’t smile or give you any indication of how they feel because their face is frozen. I’ll take a line on my forehead over that any day. I wanted and more importantly needed my facial expressions. If I was going to do this, it had to be with someone who knew what they were doing and understood the meaning of, just a little. The only other thing I was considering if money allowed was having my breasts lifted and reduced. Actually this was almost a medical necessity, large breasts are heavy and all the years of toting them around took its toll, and the bra indentions on my top shoulders weren’t sexy or comfortable. It would be so freeing to have smaller breasts that stay up where they belong on their own. We were thinking, talking and excited about the new adventures, the fun we were going to have. There was a bump in the road a few months before with my back injury. I was working hard to get and keep it under control and at the time I fully expected it would happen. That’s not what made our plans come to a complete halt forever.
It was a month, almost to the day before my 40th birthday that completely ended all of our plans, all of them, not just the fun life for us. We had plans for grandchildren adventures too. Everything ended or changed March 28, 2012, the day I learned I have ALS. Here I am practically trapped in my bedroom typing this with only days before I turn 41. This was not part of the plan!
Tony never cared whether I had any injections or breast augmentation. He has always loved me and been attracted to me just as I am, and faithful too, beat that! This means so much to me now that my body has changed so drastically. What’s new is that I have changed. For the first time, I don’t like him seeing me naked. No matter how much he tells me I look just as beautiful to him. I never thought I would feel this way with him. There were times when I put on a few pounds and didn’t feel the best about my body, but I still felt sexy with him. I could still walk sexy and talk sexy.
I think I’ve said in another post, ALS changes absolutely everything. I can’t disguise or direct attention away from anything about my body now. I can’t suck anything in or talk, walk, sit or lay my body in any position that resembles sexy, and I certainly can’t talk sexy. I just feel ugly from head to toe now. Our long burning flame is just a light breath away from going out. We’ve been talking and are determined to not let that happen. It’s not easy though.
My looks and confidence aside, there are other obstacles. I have much less control over movement. I am much less of an active participant because of weakness so it is awkward for us both. It’s also not sexy to need to stop and put on a ventilator mask, even though I’m lucky to have one of the quietest vents, the sound of mechanical ventilation is a mood killer. It is for us. So it has become something we avoid.
There is another huge factor that shouldn’t be left out. Tony puts so much energy into taking care of my needs and worrying about my safety that it’s easy to stay in that mindset. It’s not easy being my caregiver then switching to my lover. He’s scared and grieving just like me. Neither one of us have sex on the mind very often. I think I’ve given away enough personal details, I’ll just leave it with I can’t do about 80% of what I used to do, We’re both grieving and constantly preparing for the next new hit from ALS. That’s not a recipe for an evening of making love.
I have peace in knowing Tony is here because he loves me no matter what. We did go a long time not talking about this. A big mistake, difficult or easy topic, communication is a must. Talking has eased both of our minds. We have both shared our feelings about this change while being honest. We went from avoiding the topic to thinking of ways to be intimate without fear. Remember, intimacy doesn’t mean a sex act must be involved.
I spend a little time running my fingers through his hair while he drifts off to sleep. A few minutes here and there of me leaning on him while sitting and letting him hold me securely in his arms. These things are powerful. It renews our desire to fight this fight together, it reminds us both of the bond we share that can so easily get lost in the mess that is ALS, It also reminds and allows us to express the love we share and sometimes shed heart healing tears together. There will come a day when I can no longer run my fingers through his hair. We’ll have to find another way without losing ourselves. Like everything else in a relationship, it will take effort and communication from both of us.
We’ve been through a lot together and kept our love intact. Our love will make it through ALS too. It won’t play out like a fairytale but life is not a fairytale.
Until next time, take care,
April[subscribe2]
Tuesday, April 16, 2013
Death with Dignity… My Thoughts
To my loved ones reading this, I want to say this is not a reflection of my intentions at this time.
It is something I believe most people with a terminal illness like ALS have had cross their mind. At this time a person diagnosed with ALS is aware they are dying, and it will likely be an uncomfortable slow death. I know there are a lot of patients who have chosen invasive ventilation and are happy, comfortable and living a life with quality and purpose. I’m thankful this life extending option is available.
There is hospice. Another thing I’m thankful for. I’ve experienced the care they provide and I commend all nurses who take on this responsibility. They can’t by law intentionally speed your death. They do everything they can to make death as comfortable as possible for the dying while educating and comforting the family. Even with the best efforts it is no guarantee you will have a comfortable death, or that they can predict the exact time or even day you will die.
You can put a do not resuscitate-DNR order in your Advanced Directive or Living Will, but if you’re at home and an ambulance is called because of respiratory crisis, unless they are shown the document, you will likely find yourself on an invasive ventilator no matter how clear you’ve made it to family and your doctor. It’s possible you will be even if they see the document. EMTs are trained to save lives and they do it well. I also commend them for all they do; however if you’re a terminally ill patient suddenly stuck with this life support that you made clear you didn’t want, you’ll surely not comfortable. You can still choose to have it removed, but when and how now has to be decided. Something you may have really wanted to avoid is your chosen legal agent being forced to make this decision. Choosing who can make decisions on your behalf early on is highly recommended so that your wishes are met. This doesn’t mean the decision is going to be easy for them if it comes to that.
I’ve given examples of what can go wrong even if you do all the right things to make your wishes clear, it’s no guarantee. You can still end up vented whether you want it or not.
Some benefits of assisted death: First is that it’s in your control. You know when your quality of life has reached the point of outweighing the benefits of living for you and know you will die painlessly within a few minutes. You can choose to have loved ones with you or not. It also gives your loved ones the ability to choose to be there or not. If it is decided others are to be present, you can choose a date and this gives them time to prepare emotionally and take time off work in advance instead of always knowing the call can come at any time.
I’m aware that one of the biggest obstacles for the terminally ill, even if they’re in a place that allows death with dignity is Religion, even if it’s not the belief of the person dying. Not wanting to go against a loved one’s belief is a huge deciding factor. A dying person usually doesn’t want to do something that leaves their loved ones in emotional despair. So they suffer on.
Many consider death something that should be left in their God’s hands. To me this makes no sense. If you would die without mechanical ventilation, isn’t that overriding God? I just don’t see the logic in it being miraculous to keep a life going that God obviously intended to end, but it’s not ok at all to end the suffering of a life God also obviously intends to end. There are premature babies born every day with no chance of survival even with advanced technological care. That indicates this is God’s plan, his will, to end this life. When very aggressive methods are used to sustain this life, I never hear of anyone condemning the people involved. They are given hero status and it’s considered a miracle.
How can you rejoice in going against God’s will by saving a life God obviously is ending, but yet you damn a person to hell for deciding to end their life in a humane way when it’s a life that God is also obviously ending? I see no logic in that.
I have important decisions to make. One of the biggest factors is how my family is affected. I believe ultimately I will be supported in whatever I feel is best for me.
I think it’s wonderful we have and use the advanced technology to save a person that will otherwise die.
I also think it’s wonderful to have a choice to end a slow suffering death in a very simple, affordable and comfortable way. I emphasize the word choice.
These are thoughts I’m dealing with amongst many others, and that’s what this blog is for me. It’s an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I’m thankful to not be progressing super fast, I am progressing though and I do have important choices to make.
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
It is something I believe most people with a terminal illness like ALS have had cross their mind. At this time a person diagnosed with ALS is aware they are dying, and it will likely be an uncomfortable slow death. I know there are a lot of patients who have chosen invasive ventilation and are happy, comfortable and living a life with quality and purpose. I’m thankful this life extending option is available.
There is hospice. Another thing I’m thankful for. I’ve experienced the care they provide and I commend all nurses who take on this responsibility. They can’t by law intentionally speed your death. They do everything they can to make death as comfortable as possible for the dying while educating and comforting the family. Even with the best efforts it is no guarantee you will have a comfortable death, or that they can predict the exact time or even day you will die.
You can put a do not resuscitate-DNR order in your Advanced Directive or Living Will, but if you’re at home and an ambulance is called because of respiratory crisis, unless they are shown the document, you will likely find yourself on an invasive ventilator no matter how clear you’ve made it to family and your doctor. It’s possible you will be even if they see the document. EMTs are trained to save lives and they do it well. I also commend them for all they do; however if you’re a terminally ill patient suddenly stuck with this life support that you made clear you didn’t want, you’ll surely not comfortable. You can still choose to have it removed, but when and how now has to be decided. Something you may have really wanted to avoid is your chosen legal agent being forced to make this decision. Choosing who can make decisions on your behalf early on is highly recommended so that your wishes are met. This doesn’t mean the decision is going to be easy for them if it comes to that.
I’ve given examples of what can go wrong even if you do all the right things to make your wishes clear, it’s no guarantee. You can still end up vented whether you want it or not.
Some benefits of assisted death: First is that it’s in your control. You know when your quality of life has reached the point of outweighing the benefits of living for you and know you will die painlessly within a few minutes. You can choose to have loved ones with you or not. It also gives your loved ones the ability to choose to be there or not. If it is decided others are to be present, you can choose a date and this gives them time to prepare emotionally and take time off work in advance instead of always knowing the call can come at any time.
I’m aware that one of the biggest obstacles for the terminally ill, even if they’re in a place that allows death with dignity is Religion, even if it’s not the belief of the person dying. Not wanting to go against a loved one’s belief is a huge deciding factor. A dying person usually doesn’t want to do something that leaves their loved ones in emotional despair. So they suffer on.
Many consider death something that should be left in their God’s hands. To me this makes no sense. If you would die without mechanical ventilation, isn’t that overriding God? I just don’t see the logic in it being miraculous to keep a life going that God obviously intended to end, but it’s not ok at all to end the suffering of a life God also obviously intends to end. There are premature babies born every day with no chance of survival even with advanced technological care. That indicates this is God’s plan, his will, to end this life. When very aggressive methods are used to sustain this life, I never hear of anyone condemning the people involved. They are given hero status and it’s considered a miracle.
How can you rejoice in going against God’s will by saving a life God obviously is ending, but yet you damn a person to hell for deciding to end their life in a humane way when it’s a life that God is also obviously ending? I see no logic in that.
I have important decisions to make. One of the biggest factors is how my family is affected. I believe ultimately I will be supported in whatever I feel is best for me.
I think it’s wonderful we have and use the advanced technology to save a person that will otherwise die.
I also think it’s wonderful to have a choice to end a slow suffering death in a very simple, affordable and comfortable way. I emphasize the word choice.
These are thoughts I’m dealing with amongst many others, and that’s what this blog is for me. It’s an outlet for my thoughts and feelings. I’m thankful to not be progressing super fast, I am progressing though and I do have important choices to make.
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
Tuesday, April 9, 2013
A Gain For A Loss
OK, at the end of yesterdays blog post, I mentioned lifting up a bit. I feel like adding a little sugar to the spice.
When I was first fitted for my AFO, It was so nice to be able to walk with a barely detectable limp. This came with a price I was very willing to pay, actually already paying, my shoe options were limited.
Anyone out there just getting an AFO, I did learn that New Balance and Sketchers tennis shoes worked best for me. The shoe needs to be wide enough for the brace, especially at toes and deep enough at the heel. I don't know if these shoes will be best for everyone. I had a solid fixed AFO. I where a regular 7 shoe size and I have a
narrow heel. To the right is a picture of my AFO in my Sketchers.
Now I figured I would be getting my drop foot all fixed up, and this was all temporary. It turned out to be the first of three adaptions to keep me walking. (to follow was adding a cane, then rollator.) so I was pretty disappointed to learn this was permanent. Then, what about my beloved shoes? My choices became steel toed construction boots or tennis shoes that took a lot of trying on to find at first. I'll take the tennis shoe, thank you.
When I recently lost the ability to walk I remembered reading online a while back that the best thing about being in the chair is you can wear the shoes want. How exciting! I want to go try on shoes now. I will be hitting up thrift stores on Saturdays with my Mom, and I've been looking at amazing online deals for fun.
I've always been a thrifty shopper, but I do love to shop. If I'm not at a thrift shop, I'm a TJ maxx, Marshalls person usually. I love to shop online too. Now that I can't just hop in the car and go to these place I have a lot of fun shopping online. Budget is real tight right now, so there are no big shopping sprees, but I've always enjoyed real window shopping too. It's just as fun on line to me.
I still have pretty good use of my hands overall, especially my left, but they've gone enough to make putting my contacts in pretty difficult. It's been so long since I tried, I'm not positive I still can. It would definitely be a time consuming chore.
My youngest son, Tyler, was due for glasses not long before my diagnosis. He bought some from an online eyeglasses store, Warby Parker, while visiting home. It's pretty neat because you can look through their collection and chose up to 5 pair you like and they'll ship you the frames with Plano lenses to keep up to five days and then return in the box they send. Free shipping both ways. He chose the Langstons. I really needed a pair of glasses so I bought the women's version of his Langstons. These glasses were just under $100.00. The least expensive pair of glasses I had ever bought. The only downfall is for us aging people needing a little help reading is they don't offer progressive lenses. Now $100.00 seems expensive.
My newest guilty pleasure is buying glasses online at goggles4u.com, they
usually have great deals, especially on their home brands. I have bought glasses from there for about $10.00. That includes shipping, and I have a strong prescription. That doesn't include progressives, but they do offer them. I love spending the $10.00 and trying all different styles and colors. I tend to like them on the wide side for my face. There are several online glasses stores that have $6.95 and up. zennioptical.com is another one worthy of checking out. Just be sure to have your pupillary distance correct. If you already know your prescription and don't need an eye exam, Walmart optical is good about measuring it for you on the spot if not busy. That was our experience.
Above is a small collection of my inexpensive glasses.
That's 3 ways you can turn a loss into something new. They're fun even if you didn't lose anything.
1.Newly in a wheelchair and no longer need an AFO? Now you can wear any shoes you like, plus they stay clean and won't get worn from walking. Find a nice buy, sell and trade shoe store and you'll get top dollar for your shoes when you take them back in great shape!
2. Have you lost the ability to drive but love to go shopping, or just browse? Get on that computer and shop or browse your heart away!
3. Are you a contact lens wearer and need to change to glasses? No matter your budget, shop away online!
I hope any of this information is helpful to someone.
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
When I was first fitted for my AFO, It was so nice to be able to walk with a barely detectable limp. This came with a price I was very willing to pay, actually already paying, my shoe options were limited.
Anyone out there just getting an AFO, I did learn that New Balance and Sketchers tennis shoes worked best for me. The shoe needs to be wide enough for the brace, especially at toes and deep enough at the heel. I don't know if these shoes will be best for everyone. I had a solid fixed AFO. I where a regular 7 shoe size and I have a
narrow heel. To the right is a picture of my AFO in my Sketchers.Now I figured I would be getting my drop foot all fixed up, and this was all temporary. It turned out to be the first of three adaptions to keep me walking. (to follow was adding a cane, then rollator.) so I was pretty disappointed to learn this was permanent. Then, what about my beloved shoes? My choices became steel toed construction boots or tennis shoes that took a lot of trying on to find at first. I'll take the tennis shoe, thank you.
When I recently lost the ability to walk I remembered reading online a while back that the best thing about being in the chair is you can wear the shoes want. How exciting! I want to go try on shoes now. I will be hitting up thrift stores on Saturdays with my Mom, and I've been looking at amazing online deals for fun.
I've always been a thrifty shopper, but I do love to shop. If I'm not at a thrift shop, I'm a TJ maxx, Marshalls person usually. I love to shop online too. Now that I can't just hop in the car and go to these place I have a lot of fun shopping online. Budget is real tight right now, so there are no big shopping sprees, but I've always enjoyed real window shopping too. It's just as fun on line to me.
I still have pretty good use of my hands overall, especially my left, but they've gone enough to make putting my contacts in pretty difficult. It's been so long since I tried, I'm not positive I still can. It would definitely be a time consuming chore.
My youngest son, Tyler, was due for glasses not long before my diagnosis. He bought some from an online eyeglasses store, Warby Parker, while visiting home. It's pretty neat because you can look through their collection and chose up to 5 pair you like and they'll ship you the frames with Plano lenses to keep up to five days and then return in the box they send. Free shipping both ways. He chose the Langstons. I really needed a pair of glasses so I bought the women's version of his Langstons. These glasses were just under $100.00. The least expensive pair of glasses I had ever bought. The only downfall is for us aging people needing a little help reading is they don't offer progressive lenses. Now $100.00 seems expensive.
My newest guilty pleasure is buying glasses online at goggles4u.com, they
usually have great deals, especially on their home brands. I have bought glasses from there for about $10.00. That includes shipping, and I have a strong prescription. That doesn't include progressives, but they do offer them. I love spending the $10.00 and trying all different styles and colors. I tend to like them on the wide side for my face. There are several online glasses stores that have $6.95 and up. zennioptical.com is another one worthy of checking out. Just be sure to have your pupillary distance correct. If you already know your prescription and don't need an eye exam, Walmart optical is good about measuring it for you on the spot if not busy. That was our experience.Above is a small collection of my inexpensive glasses.
That's 3 ways you can turn a loss into something new. They're fun even if you didn't lose anything.
1.Newly in a wheelchair and no longer need an AFO? Now you can wear any shoes you like, plus they stay clean and won't get worn from walking. Find a nice buy, sell and trade shoe store and you'll get top dollar for your shoes when you take them back in great shape!
2. Have you lost the ability to drive but love to go shopping, or just browse? Get on that computer and shop or browse your heart away!
3. Are you a contact lens wearer and need to change to glasses? No matter your budget, shop away online!
I hope any of this information is helpful to someone.
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
Saturday, April 6, 2013
My Family Knows Now
HEADS UP - This post is some info about my family. Not much ALS related but I hope you still read on.
I did it! I told my family about my blog starting with my parents in person.
My Mother gave me her 100% approval and thinks it's great for me. What a relief. She did get in touch with me after going home to read everything to tell me God must always be capitalized. I will Mom. Thanks, I love you.
Dad approved 100% after he read the homepage aloud for everyone here just as I would have myself. Thanks, I love you
Who doesn't want approval from their big sister? She read and got back with me right away and told me she is proud and thinks it's a great blog, and other things great to hear from her. Thanks sis, I love you
All of my children told me they love it, and I have their 100% approval. So much relief. I have a wonderful family and I'm sure most of you may find it strange I'm just now telling them, and especially that it's scary for me. Even if we handle things in a way that is strange to you, we are very close.
I've done a lot of texting and starting to cramp up, not to mention the sun will be rising soon. I'm exhausted, so I'd like to introduce my immediate family now.
When Tony and I first met we both came with two kids and both inherited two more. We both had a son and daughter. While keeping it simple I want to introduce them. I'll go from oldest to youngest.
The oldest is Steven at 28 years old
Next is Tasha at 27 years old
We have Tyler at 23 years old
Last but not least is Amanda at 22 years old
Getting into Grand-kids is so simple yet tricky.
Ya know, there just aren't many "traditional" families anymore. It can get complicated. Half this, step that, uncle younger than nephew and all that stuff. Let's not pretend you all have no divorces, steps, halves and the such. If your family is perfect, you're an oddity. It's OK, Everyone is statistically odd in some way. And there are a lot worse things to be odd about than a long line of intact family. Either way, Come on now, stop pretending. Your family is only picture perfect on the printed photo, Right? It doesn't mean there is no healthy family love going around.
OK, shooting for simple...
Tasha and husband, Billy, have 3 young boys at home. Jesse, Ethan and Uriah. Two grown kids that have left home, Nathan and Amber. Tasha was a great Mother to teens at a young age. While loving them both, she has a very strong bond with inherited daughter.
Amanda and Jason have our newest Grandson at 9 months old, Brayden, along with an older inherited Grandson and inherited son Amanda loves like her own, Jamieson.
Our boys have kept away from the parenting life so far.
It's birthday time for Tasha's young boys all born close in time of year. Time to hit up Toys R us!
They will be added to my family pictures.
This is my website/blog about my progression with ALS. I will throw snippets of family info sometimes. It helps you better understand the person behind this case of ALS. Respecting my family's privacy is of utmost importance to me. I'm the one opening up online. It's not recommended in general but, knowing my fate, I'm not so concerned about what that next employer might read about me in a few years.
This post is for those interested in the person behind this ALS case.
Most Importantly, this is for my family. I love you all!
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
I did it! I told my family about my blog starting with my parents in person.
My Mother gave me her 100% approval and thinks it's great for me. What a relief. She did get in touch with me after going home to read everything to tell me God must always be capitalized. I will Mom. Thanks, I love you.
Dad approved 100% after he read the homepage aloud for everyone here just as I would have myself. Thanks, I love you
Who doesn't want approval from their big sister? She read and got back with me right away and told me she is proud and thinks it's a great blog, and other things great to hear from her. Thanks sis, I love you
All of my children told me they love it, and I have their 100% approval. So much relief. I have a wonderful family and I'm sure most of you may find it strange I'm just now telling them, and especially that it's scary for me. Even if we handle things in a way that is strange to you, we are very close.
I've done a lot of texting and starting to cramp up, not to mention the sun will be rising soon. I'm exhausted, so I'd like to introduce my immediate family now.
When Tony and I first met we both came with two kids and both inherited two more. We both had a son and daughter. While keeping it simple I want to introduce them. I'll go from oldest to youngest.
The oldest is Steven at 28 years old
Next is Tasha at 27 years old
We have Tyler at 23 years old
Last but not least is Amanda at 22 years old
Getting into Grand-kids is so simple yet tricky.
Ya know, there just aren't many "traditional" families anymore. It can get complicated. Half this, step that, uncle younger than nephew and all that stuff. Let's not pretend you all have no divorces, steps, halves and the such. If your family is perfect, you're an oddity. It's OK, Everyone is statistically odd in some way. And there are a lot worse things to be odd about than a long line of intact family. Either way, Come on now, stop pretending. Your family is only picture perfect on the printed photo, Right? It doesn't mean there is no healthy family love going around.
OK, shooting for simple...
Tasha and husband, Billy, have 3 young boys at home. Jesse, Ethan and Uriah. Two grown kids that have left home, Nathan and Amber. Tasha was a great Mother to teens at a young age. While loving them both, she has a very strong bond with inherited daughter.
Amanda and Jason have our newest Grandson at 9 months old, Brayden, along with an older inherited Grandson and inherited son Amanda loves like her own, Jamieson.
Our boys have kept away from the parenting life so far.
It's birthday time for Tasha's young boys all born close in time of year. Time to hit up Toys R us!
They will be added to my family pictures.
This is my website/blog about my progression with ALS. I will throw snippets of family info sometimes. It helps you better understand the person behind this case of ALS. Respecting my family's privacy is of utmost importance to me. I'm the one opening up online. It's not recommended in general but, knowing my fate, I'm not so concerned about what that next employer might read about me in a few years.
This post is for those interested in the person behind this ALS case.
Most Importantly, this is for my family. I love you all!
Until next time, take care,
April
[subscribe2]
Friday, April 5, 2013
Deciding when to tell... a rambling post
I feel like I'm living a double life here and will be outed at any moment. I've always been a private person. My family is used to it although sometimes they've accused me of bordering paranoia. So many people have begged me to join facebook. I hate facebook. Tony does have an account so if anything important comes up, he usually tells me. The way I've shunned all social networks from their beginning, they will surely be shocked to hear I'm putting my life out there.
I mean I plan to go all the way. ALS gave me no choice. So tomorrow is Saturday. Since my diagnosis, Saturday is time with my Mom. I like to call it Saturdays with April, but nobody else seems to find it the least bit funny. It started out as our movie day, I made a review page that I keep in a 3 ring binder, and we wright our little reviews, more so about our experience. The Goodwill is part of our day too. I love the Goodwill. Mom would get a cart and bring it to me to use as my rollator. It's been a blast. A few times when I haven't felt well we rented from redbox and watched a movie from my bed. I still can't believe I watched Magic Mike with my Mother. I can hardly stand watching a kissing scene with her. I do live in the Bible Belt after all and was raised strict Baptist. Maybe more on that another time.
Since I've lost the ability to walk and don't have a wheelchair van yet, it's been more difficult. It's not impossible. Tony can take me and manual chair to the theater and Mom can push me, and tony pick me up. We haven't yet, but my Mother does knows her way around a wheelchair. She took care of her sister for a long time. She had Freidrich's Ataxia. It's a neuro-muscular disorder. Yes, I've checked. There is absolutely no link to my ALS. She had childhood onset which has a faster progression. I remember my Mother and Grandmother giving her a bath after leaving their full time job for the day. I was probably about 5 and couldn't wait for this time be cause I could ride around the house in the wheelchair. I had so much fun. My God, the irony. My aunt by this time had little muscle control and typed with her nose what she needed done for the day. She was a beautiful, intelligent woman with her life cut very short. She died in her mid-forties. My grandmother spent many years getting up to turn her every two hours. She worked a full time job at a hospital and she was the wife of a pastor, which in itself is a full time job. I was about 10 when My grandmother came to terms with the fact she couldn't do it anymore and had to make the most difficult decision to have her daughter placed in a nursing home. Another pastor came over to help break the news to my aunt. I still remember the gut wrenching cries coming from that room. Do not judge my Grandmother for that decision. It really wasn't a choice. There was no home health care in those days, no real support at all, and it was way past the point of being dangerous for her to be home. I know my grandmother never fully recovered from that day though. From the guilt she shouldn't have carried.
My Mother spent every Saturday for the remainder of my aunts life going to the nursing home and making sure she was being treated right, She still gave her a bath every week too. About once a month she took her out shopping for things she had typed with her nose. She got her in and out of a wheelchair alone. she was frail but dead weight. She brought her home and took her back every Thanksgiving and Christmas to be with the family, and many young birthday parties were at the nursing home. There was a nice area outside perfect for it.
Now my Mother is the fulltime caretaker for her other sister disabled by Type 1 diabetes. I don't know how Mom does it. She just says she thinks it's her purpose in life. Now her Daughter is dying? She doesn't deserve any suffering. She is so inspiring, a true saint in my eyes.
I feel like I've totally lost track of my post , but I'm not changing it. I said this is where I'll come and say whatever I'm thinking and this is how I think. One thought leads to another. It's like going to the computer to quickly look up a toothpaste brand or something simple, then two hours later you're watching 'funny cat videos' and thinking, what did I come here for?
Oh yeah, my big secret life story with ALS online. Since my first post I've wondered who in my family may have spotted me, if so probably on twitter when I'm tweeting slightly out of my mind from insomnia that ambien is starting to lose the battle with too. When I see any of them, I'm looking for clues. Are they saying certain things they would only know if they've been reading? A couple of times it seemed like it.
So I think I'm going to tell my Mother tomorrow. I'm nervous. Not so much because of what I'm doing, but the fact I've used curse words. Remember, I'm from the bible belt and spent several years with my 'by the book' pastor Grandfather.
I just want it out though, I've made up my mind, I"ll be who I am here. I know, no matter what she'll still love me. I'm forty. I can say fuck if I want. I haven't told anybody though. Not even my kids, only Tony. I want it out because I would like to bring them up some and show pictures too. I've always asked people not to post things or pictures about me online so it's only right I give the same respect.
I'm nervous, but I think it will make me feel even more free, and will be a relief when everybody knows. So I'll start with Mom, then rest of the family. I will be set free. Nobody worry, I will never post anything hurtful or private about another person without permission. Only about me, I'm the open book.
I have a request for any old friend or family members that if you do start following my blog, please let me know. I'm just curious. I think I've rambled enough and Tony just served me some delicious food. So I'm off...
Until next time, take care
April
[subscribe2]
I mean I plan to go all the way. ALS gave me no choice. So tomorrow is Saturday. Since my diagnosis, Saturday is time with my Mom. I like to call it Saturdays with April, but nobody else seems to find it the least bit funny. It started out as our movie day, I made a review page that I keep in a 3 ring binder, and we wright our little reviews, more so about our experience. The Goodwill is part of our day too. I love the Goodwill. Mom would get a cart and bring it to me to use as my rollator. It's been a blast. A few times when I haven't felt well we rented from redbox and watched a movie from my bed. I still can't believe I watched Magic Mike with my Mother. I can hardly stand watching a kissing scene with her. I do live in the Bible Belt after all and was raised strict Baptist. Maybe more on that another time.
Since I've lost the ability to walk and don't have a wheelchair van yet, it's been more difficult. It's not impossible. Tony can take me and manual chair to the theater and Mom can push me, and tony pick me up. We haven't yet, but my Mother does knows her way around a wheelchair. She took care of her sister for a long time. She had Freidrich's Ataxia. It's a neuro-muscular disorder. Yes, I've checked. There is absolutely no link to my ALS. She had childhood onset which has a faster progression. I remember my Mother and Grandmother giving her a bath after leaving their full time job for the day. I was probably about 5 and couldn't wait for this time be cause I could ride around the house in the wheelchair. I had so much fun. My God, the irony. My aunt by this time had little muscle control and typed with her nose what she needed done for the day. She was a beautiful, intelligent woman with her life cut very short. She died in her mid-forties. My grandmother spent many years getting up to turn her every two hours. She worked a full time job at a hospital and she was the wife of a pastor, which in itself is a full time job. I was about 10 when My grandmother came to terms with the fact she couldn't do it anymore and had to make the most difficult decision to have her daughter placed in a nursing home. Another pastor came over to help break the news to my aunt. I still remember the gut wrenching cries coming from that room. Do not judge my Grandmother for that decision. It really wasn't a choice. There was no home health care in those days, no real support at all, and it was way past the point of being dangerous for her to be home. I know my grandmother never fully recovered from that day though. From the guilt she shouldn't have carried.
My Mother spent every Saturday for the remainder of my aunts life going to the nursing home and making sure she was being treated right, She still gave her a bath every week too. About once a month she took her out shopping for things she had typed with her nose. She got her in and out of a wheelchair alone. she was frail but dead weight. She brought her home and took her back every Thanksgiving and Christmas to be with the family, and many young birthday parties were at the nursing home. There was a nice area outside perfect for it.
Now my Mother is the fulltime caretaker for her other sister disabled by Type 1 diabetes. I don't know how Mom does it. She just says she thinks it's her purpose in life. Now her Daughter is dying? She doesn't deserve any suffering. She is so inspiring, a true saint in my eyes.
I feel like I've totally lost track of my post , but I'm not changing it. I said this is where I'll come and say whatever I'm thinking and this is how I think. One thought leads to another. It's like going to the computer to quickly look up a toothpaste brand or something simple, then two hours later you're watching 'funny cat videos' and thinking, what did I come here for?
Oh yeah, my big secret life story with ALS online. Since my first post I've wondered who in my family may have spotted me, if so probably on twitter when I'm tweeting slightly out of my mind from insomnia that ambien is starting to lose the battle with too. When I see any of them, I'm looking for clues. Are they saying certain things they would only know if they've been reading? A couple of times it seemed like it.
So I think I'm going to tell my Mother tomorrow. I'm nervous. Not so much because of what I'm doing, but the fact I've used curse words. Remember, I'm from the bible belt and spent several years with my 'by the book' pastor Grandfather.
I just want it out though, I've made up my mind, I"ll be who I am here. I know, no matter what she'll still love me. I'm forty. I can say fuck if I want. I haven't told anybody though. Not even my kids, only Tony. I want it out because I would like to bring them up some and show pictures too. I've always asked people not to post things or pictures about me online so it's only right I give the same respect.
I'm nervous, but I think it will make me feel even more free, and will be a relief when everybody knows. So I'll start with Mom, then rest of the family. I will be set free. Nobody worry, I will never post anything hurtful or private about another person without permission. Only about me, I'm the open book.
I have a request for any old friend or family members that if you do start following my blog, please let me know. I'm just curious. I think I've rambled enough and Tony just served me some delicious food. So I'm off...
Until next time, take care
April
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Thursday, April 4, 2013
House Cleaning
Hello, I decided to use my energy today to clean up and add a little to the site. Please take a look around and don't forget to help spread the word about thealsexpress.com
I appreciate it.
Until next time, take care
April
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I appreciate it.
Until next time, take care
April
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